Life...

In today's devotional that I'm reading, the title reads --"Influence: Uniquely You." Here is how it starts:

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Have you thought about all the events that led up to this moment in your life -- why you're here, how you've been shaped, what caused you to read this or seek God's plans for your life? Have you wondered how much of it is accidental or random and how much is designed?

I believe God knew exactly where you would be right now and exactly what you would be like. He knew about your passions and gifts and the platform you have. in fact, I believe He was very  purposeful in designing your life. He made you to be uniquely significant and to have an eternal impact on the world around you. 

Let that sink in.

God was very intentional about your design, your opportunities and your purpose. Thank Him and look for ways to use what He has given you in the best way possible

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Honestly, I don't know how to believe that all the events that led up to this exact moment are designed, purposeful and intentional. Shutting out the emotions the past few months have been 'easy' but now when I'm forced to stare truth face to face... It's honestly more than I can bear. The amount of change and suddenness of how things have happened are shocking! And because of that, I don't know how to truly say and believe that each event was purposeful. Were they the right choices, or things that were necessary at that time, or just my mistakes..?

At that point of needing to make those decisions, there was clarity... A sureness of what it was that I needed to do. But now that everything has settled down a little, I begin to wonder if those were decisions that had to be made just at that point of time, or I got it half right, or maybe I got it completely wrong!

And now, I really don't know what to do. What does the future hold for me..? The dreams I had, the person I was, and would become... I miss that. Yes, I don't deny the fact that I've grown in the past 9 months. But at the same time, does that justify throwing away who I was and the dreams that I had as well? Sometimes it feels that God has made me grow 5 steps ahead just to throw me 10 steps behind. And it is so very confusing...

Well, come to think about it, there is nothing much I can do. I have made those decisions. Mistake or not, I am bearing the consequences right now. I'm really so confused and wish that God would just tell me right now if this is indeed His plan and will for my life. But I know my Lord, and He doesn't work that way. It will be revealed in His time..His way.

So all I can do is pray for strength and mercy to travel this hard and bleak road ahead...